WITNEY (We're all in it together):
In case of yet another Conservative election victory, residents of Witney constituency are to be presented with one Witney blanket...for use to hide from sight, any unfortunate side effects of social unease or economic malaise discovered to be taking place outside Chipping Norton & surroundings. If you think you might see a brutal side effect of your elected government, just shelter inside the blanket until you think it has safely passed by & you can return to your Twee Tory Story life.
SOCIAL MOBILITY:
David Cameron's first choice of Peppa the Pig, as next MP for Witney, fortunately was voted down by the local Conservative party. Your next MP will instead be a barrister. Thus, your chances of the next MP for Witney not being a member of the 1% are once again, not part of the equation.
HEALTH:
How to solve the shortage of doctors and nurses in the NHS: Get new staff from the National Elf Service. They would have to make some major cuts though! viz. to cut the beds lower for the new staff.
EDUCATION
In case of yet another Conservative election victory, residents of Witney constituency are to be presented with one Witney blanket...for use to hide from sight, any unfortunate side effects of social unease or economic malaise discovered to be taking place outside Chipping Norton & surroundings. If you think you might see a brutal side effect of your elected government, just shelter inside the blanket until you think it has safely passed by & you can return to your Twee Tory Story life.
SOCIAL MOBILITY:
David Cameron's first choice of Peppa the Pig, as next MP for Witney, fortunately was voted down by the local Conservative party. Your next MP will instead be a barrister. Thus, your chances of the next MP for Witney not being a member of the 1% are once again, not part of the equation.
HEALTH:
How to solve the shortage of doctors and nurses in the NHS: Get new staff from the National Elf Service. They would have to make some major cuts though! viz. to cut the beds lower for the new staff.
EDUCATION
Hatter pledges to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.
Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week, just so they don’t forget where they are!
EMPLOYMENT &
JOB CREATING STRATEGIES
Hatter believes that the city of London acts like a vampire, sucking too
much talent and investment away from the regions. Therefore, we should investigate
how to reverse the tidal flow of the Thames so that ‘big swimmers’ can sail
upstream from London to Oxford.
OXFORD COUNCIL
CONTEMPT FOR ENTERPRISE:
Oxford Council in cooperation with the corrupt quango called Visit
Oxfordshire Ltd (also known as ‘Experience Oxfordshire’) is to launch Oxford
city as…<A Small-Business Unfriendly Destination>. Oxford Visitor (Mis)
Information Centre to be paid over £200,000 per year in public funding (your
council taxes) to operate a conflict-of-interest advice centre on how to lie,
cheat, steal and slander local small businesses, while running a monopoly
interest with the full knowledge & approval of Oxford city council.
PARLIAMENTARY
EXPENSES WATCHDOG:
Henceforth, M.P.s must sign on at their local job centre, at least every
two weeks, to claim their parliamentary expenses. M.P.s must prove that they
have not been engaging in any other activities.
Politicians expenses and bankers bonuses to be capped at 10/6.
ELECTORAL REFORM:
The House of Lords to be rebranded for the 21st century as
‘The House of Humpty-Dumpty and all the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men’.
The voting age to be reduced to 8 year olds, on the basis that 8 year
olds are far more likely to vote with their hearts than on the basis of their
bank account balance.
THE MONARCHY:
The monarchy to be moved to Monaco to save money for offshore tax
purposes. Monaco royal family to be purchased in aggressive corporate takeover.
WESTMINSTER PALACE
REPAIRS:
As you may know, it’s claimed that Westminster palace requires £2
billion repairs to stay operational. Hatter recommends that we therefore flog
it off to overseas investors as the next must-have city-views property
investment.
CONSTITUTIONAL
REFORM & SCOTLAND’S VOTERS:
In the circumstance that Scotland’s voters return a progressive SNP
majority of Scottish MPs to Westminster, much noise is to be made about
publishing a UK Bill of Rights before the next election…at which point MI6 to
be employed to interfere in all future Scottish elections to steal Trident out
of Faslane and redock alongside the House of Commons with instructions to blow
democracy out of the water should the Scots ever dare again to question being
ruled by the sole panda in Edinburgh zoo called ‘Tory’.
FOREIGN POLICY:
Scotland to be reclassified as an ‘overseas territory’. The right to
vote to be removed from everyone except for English second-home owners. The most
annoying Labour M.P.s to be exiled to Scotland’s glens to serve as unofficial chieftains
to the masses. The publishers of ‘Where’s Wally’, to be hired to launch a
propaganda-war and to deliver a cartoon nation-wide called, ‘Where’s Danny
Alexander hiding?’.
Whitehall to hand over to Vladimir Putin, the keys to a nice home in St
Ives, so he can enjoy as much as surfing as he likes without having to send his
air force to fly by the coast of Cornwall to take photo- surveillance of his
undercover surfing attempts.
After a Chinese consortium has successfully completed the building of
our latest installation of nuclear power stations, China to be congratulated by
Whitehall by being delegated responsibility to program the U.K’s nuclear launch
codes.
HOUSING
Due to
Oxford’s sky rocketing housing costs and many flagrant buy to let exorbitant
rents charged, Oxford is now recognised officially as the UK’s most expensive
city to live in. Hatter therefore recommends two constructive solutions to how
to create more housing stock and thus lower prices in the city:
All phone
boxes will be converted into one bed sits.
Buy to
let landlords to be branded as <likely Tory-voters>
Bicester
Shopping village will be converted into student housing and OUSU will construct
the agreed monorail link.
‘Stamp
Tax’ to be renamed as ‘Indentured Servitude Tax’. Estate agents to be required
to piss on the grass of any undeveloped brown-fields plots until green shoots
are spotted in the economy.
Hatter
recommend that in order to demonstrate the unsustainability of rising house
prices and also rents, all homes built after 2015 to be structured with teapot
roofs to indicate that we are brewing up a storm of trouble for future
generations and today’s youth. These roofs must be able to extend several feet
off the top of the walls so that for example an increase of 10% in house prices
can be made visible to the home-owner by the sight of the rooftop extending 105
beyond where the ceiling should cover above the walls.
After the
controversy of Oxford’s Castle Mill Development next to the Port Meadow,
henceforth all student residences are to be built with underground blast-proof
student bunkers. That way, we can easily blow up the top most floors if they
don’t pass local Nimbys’ complaints about the buildings spoiling the view.
ENTERTAINMENT
The Boat Race - The course will be extended so that the crews have to navigate Didcot Parkway. Obviously this may harm their race times, so we propose to aid them by reversing the flow of the River Thames. We will also investigate why it is always the same two teams which seem to reach the final every single year.
The Boat Race - The course will be extended so that the crews have to navigate Didcot Parkway. Obviously this may harm their race times, so we propose to aid them by reversing the flow of the River Thames. We will also investigate why it is always the same two teams which seem to reach the final every single year.
ENERGY INVESTMENT PLAN
Westminster government has confirmed that fracking trials have started
in Brasenose college grounds. Brasenose to change its status to offshore tax
haven. Mr Cameron announced at a televised conference last night that:
<Brasenose is putting the JR back into Oxford!>
Hatter recommends that school kids donate
their pocket money to companies like Vodafone, Google, Boots, Starbucks…in case
these companies find that they struggle to afford to pay their tax bills to the
exchequer.
Profits from Corporate Britain Plc to be held in offshore accounts until Global Warming brings a Caribbean style climate to the shores of England. Then at that point, Britain’s most talent tax-avoiders can finally spend their hard earned dosh on propping up the UK housing market by building luxury villas on stilts along the Thames estuary.
ECONOMY
Hatter proposes that we cajole the banks to stimulate the national
economy with an ingenious new measure called Q.E.- that stands for ‘Quite
Extraordinary…manipulating of the money-supply. Currently, approx.. 97% of all
new money is created out of hot air by the banks when they create credits….NOT
to invest in the real economy…but go into mortgage loans or asset bubbles to
prop up the housing market and insane equities market.
Henceforth, instead of the Bank of England producing new bonds and
banknotes out of thin air, anyone can set up a casino- bank and we will replace
the £sterling with Monopoly Money. This
means that now, you, the people can be the lender of last resort!
Our team of experts from Alice in Wongaland Bank have decided that
Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be
abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we
now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities
with Napoleon. Some of the money left in the coffers will be used to reduce the
national debt to 10/6 by the year 21799.
Any remaining money will be strategically placed on a horse at the 3-30 at Newbury Races, at odds of at least 12/1 in order to see us through until the next election. Income Tax will be officially replaced by people lending the government a bob or two at the end of the week when we're a bit skint.
INFLATION-BUSTING SOLUTIONS FOR A EURO SCEPTIC BRITAIN:
Any remaining money will be strategically placed on a horse at the 3-30 at Newbury Races, at odds of at least 12/1 in order to see us through until the next election. Income Tax will be officially replaced by people lending the government a bob or two at the end of the week when we're a bit skint.
INFLATION-BUSTING SOLUTIONS FOR A EURO SCEPTIC BRITAIN:
The Monster Raving Loony party have always promised that if elected, we
will issue a 99p coin to save on change. The Official Monster Raving Loony
Party longstanding policy on the European Union is that we will not join the
single European currency. Instead, we will invite all Europeans countries to join
the pound (sh!- don’t tell Alex Salmond).
UKIP PARTY MEMBERS…to be screened for
signs of intelligence before being permitted to speak to the press. Nigel
Farage to have plastic surgery to remove inane grin.
BANKING AND FINANCE REFORM:
The Monster Raving Loony party recommends that all banks will be charged
for looking after overdrafts.
Meaningful bank reform to be attempted by renaming <Bank Holiday
Mondays>, as <Tax Avoidance Mondays>.
IMPROVING SOCIAL
MOBILITY & EQUALITY:
The minimum wage to be replaced with the maximum wage. The 1% to be
forced to donate any excess incomne on food banks.
The National Lottery to be rebranded as, ‘The Tax on the Stupid Working
Classes’.
Boris Johnson to be delegated to match up London’s homeless with London’s
empty foreign-owned luxury apartments.
George Osbourne to be sacked from running the country with a history
degree and some very questionable views. 11 Downing Street to hire George out
as a tour guide until he earns himself an economics degree and thus is
permitted to have a qualifying opinion on how to mess up the economy.
ENVIRONMENT
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population while Fox hunting will be re introduced under the ''one fox - one dog'' policy to make it a bit fairer.
To cap carbon-footprint, all homes to be fitted with teapot roofs that have solar panels fitted to filter out any unsound Tory-vote housing policies. Oxford council to apply to UNESCO for world heritage protected status for its Teapot Economy Skyline views.
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population while Fox hunting will be re introduced under the ''one fox - one dog'' policy to make it a bit fairer.
To cap carbon-footprint, all homes to be fitted with teapot roofs that have solar panels fitted to filter out any unsound Tory-vote housing policies. Oxford council to apply to UNESCO for world heritage protected status for its Teapot Economy Skyline views.
All houses built on flood plains and along Botley and Abingdon roads
will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water during
wet spells.
All people who think that they have a right to roam will need permission
from the Pope.
RESPECT FOR RELIGIOUS INDOCTRINATION
In order to show solidarity with all other forms of mass lunacy
membership, Mad Hatter proposes that that familiar sight of weekend
evengelising by religious groups on Cornmarket street be recognised officially
by banning anyone from entering Cornmarket who has any common sense, in case
that may offend our worshipping friends. Hatter will also invite our angelic
navel gazing friends to join him for tea in the Garden of Wonderland, so they
too can share in the wondrous sight of the Blessed Teapot.
IMMIGRATION
Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Asylum seekers will be helped out by making the Asylums better signposted.
Mad Hatter recommends that in order to take pressure off our schools,
hospitals and jobs, everyone in Oxford, is required to marry a foreigner by the
end of the year.
DEFENCE
The official Monster Raving Loony policy for defence is…well, we ‘re sitting on it.
All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them. St Johns college has offered to accept them as a decoration tribute piece in their newly renovated garden called, ‘B-liar Beware Blair’.
The Monster Raving Loony party recommends that any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country by themselves.
STIMULATING THE LOCAL ECONOMY:
Anyone not wearing a
silly hat on May 7th will be required to purchase one. Hatter
believes that this will permit all hatters to keep their heads dry for a rainy
day.
LOCAL ISSUES:
Anyone
named, ‘Alice’, it’s presumed by Mad Hatter that you’ll be good enough to lend
me your vote. If you do decide to vote for me, I will be having a tea party and
yes, you’re on the invitation-list. Anyone else who’d like to attend better be
able to prove that they’re either absolutely mad or able to name at least one
other voter whom they believe may just be mad enough to vote for me!
yessssss
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