Mad Hatter Election Manifesto

Mad Hatter Election Manifesto :

WITNEY (We're all in it together):

In case of yet another Conservative election victory, residents of Witney constituency are to be presented with one Witney blanket...for use to hide from sight, any unfortunate side effects of social unease or economic malaise discovered to be taking place outside Chipping Norton & surroundings. If you think you might see a brutal side effect of your elected government, just shelter inside the blanket until you think it has safely passed by & you can return to your Twee Tory Story life.


David Cameron's first choice of Peppa the Pig, as next MP for Witney, fortunately was voted down by the local Conservative party. Your next MP will instead be a barrister. Thus, your chances of the next MP for Witney not being a member of the 1% are once again, not part of the equation.


How to solve the shortage of doctors and nurses in the NHS:  Get new staff from the National Elf Service. They would have to make some major cuts though! viz. to cut the beds lower for the new staff.


Hatter pledges to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.

Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week, just so they don’t forget where they are!


Hatter believes that the city of London acts like a vampire, sucking too much talent and investment away from the regions. Therefore, we should investigate how to reverse the tidal flow of the Thames so that ‘big swimmers’ can sail upstream from London to Oxford.


Oxford Council in cooperation with the corrupt quango called Visit Oxfordshire Ltd (also known as ‘Experience Oxfordshire’) is to launch Oxford city as…<A Small-Business Unfriendly Destination>. Oxford Visitor (Mis) Information Centre to be paid over £200,000 per year in public funding (your council taxes) to operate a conflict-of-interest advice centre on how to lie, cheat, steal and slander local small businesses, while running a monopoly interest with the full knowledge & approval of Oxford city council.


Henceforth, M.P.s must sign on at their local job centre, at least every two weeks, to claim their parliamentary expenses. M.P.s must prove that they have not been engaging in any other activities.

Politicians expenses and bankers bonuses to be capped at 10/6.


The House of Lords to be rebranded for the 21st century as ‘The House of Humpty-Dumpty and all the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men’.

The voting age to be reduced to 8 year olds, on the basis that 8 year olds are far more likely to vote with their hearts than on the basis of their bank account balance.


The monarchy to be moved to Monaco to save money for offshore tax purposes. Monaco royal family to be purchased in aggressive corporate takeover.


As you may know, it’s claimed that Westminster palace requires £2 billion repairs to stay operational. Hatter recommends that we therefore flog it off to overseas investors as the next must-have city-views property investment.


In the circumstance that Scotland’s voters return a progressive SNP majority of Scottish MPs to Westminster, much noise is to be made about publishing a UK Bill of Rights before the next election…at which point MI6 to be employed to interfere in all future Scottish elections to steal Trident out of Faslane and redock alongside the House of Commons with instructions to blow democracy out of the water should the Scots ever dare again to question being ruled by the sole panda in Edinburgh zoo called ‘Tory’.


Scotland to be reclassified as an ‘overseas territory’. The right to vote to be removed from everyone except for English second-home owners. The most annoying Labour M.P.s to be exiled to Scotland’s glens to serve as unofficial chieftains to the masses. The publishers of ‘Where’s Wally’, to be hired to launch a propaganda-war and to deliver a cartoon nation-wide called, ‘Where’s Danny Alexander hiding?’.

Whitehall to hand over to Vladimir Putin, the keys to a nice home in St Ives, so he can enjoy as much as surfing as he likes without having to send his air force to fly by the coast of Cornwall to take photo- surveillance of his undercover surfing attempts.
After a Chinese consortium has successfully completed the building of our latest installation of nuclear power stations, China to be congratulated by Whitehall by being delegated responsibility to program the U.K’s nuclear launch codes.


Due to Oxford’s sky rocketing housing costs and many flagrant buy to let exorbitant rents charged, Oxford is now recognised officially as the UK’s most expensive city to live in. Hatter therefore recommends two constructive solutions to how to create more housing stock and thus lower prices in the city:

All phone boxes will be converted into one bed sits.
To apply, please contact

Buy to let landlords to be branded as <likely Tory-voters>

Bicester Shopping village will be converted into student housing and OUSU will construct the agreed monorail link.

‘Stamp Tax’ to be renamed as ‘Indentured Servitude Tax’. Estate agents to be required to piss on the grass of any undeveloped brown-fields plots until green shoots are spotted in the economy.

Hatter recommend that in order to demonstrate the unsustainability of rising house prices and also rents, all homes built after 2015 to be structured with teapot roofs to indicate that we are brewing up a storm of trouble for future generations and today’s youth. These roofs must be able to extend several feet off the top of the walls so that for example an increase of 10% in house prices can be made visible to the home-owner by the sight of the rooftop extending 105 beyond where the ceiling should cover above the walls.

After the controversy of Oxford’s Castle Mill Development next to the Port Meadow, henceforth all student residences are to be built with underground blast-proof student bunkers. That way, we can easily blow up the top most floors if they don’t pass local Nimbys’ complaints about the buildings spoiling the view.


The Boat Race - The course will be extended so that the crews have to navigate Didcot Parkway. Obviously this may harm their race times, so we propose to aid them by reversing the flow of the River Thames. We will also investigate why it is always the same two teams which seem to reach the final every single year.


Westminster government has confirmed that fracking trials have started in Brasenose college grounds. Brasenose to change its status to offshore tax haven. Mr Cameron announced at a televised conference last night that: <Brasenose is putting the JR back into Oxford!>


Hatter recommends that school kids donate their pocket money to companies like Vodafone, Google, Boots, Starbucks…in case these companies find that they struggle to afford to pay their tax bills to the exchequer.

Profits from Corporate Britain Plc to be held in offshore accounts until Global Warming brings a Caribbean style climate to the shores of England. Then at that point, Britain’s most talent tax-avoiders can finally spend their hard earned dosh on propping up the UK housing market by building luxury villas on stilts along the Thames estuary.

Hatter proposes that we cajole the banks to stimulate the national economy with an ingenious new measure called Q.E.- that stands for ‘Quite Extraordinary…manipulating of the money-supply. Currently, approx.. 97% of all new money is created out of hot air by the banks when they create credits….NOT to invest in the real economy…but go into mortgage loans or asset bubbles to prop up the housing market and insane equities market.

Henceforth, instead of the Bank of England producing new bonds and banknotes out of thin air, anyone can set up a casino- bank and we will replace the £sterling with Monopoly Money.  This means that now, you, the people can be the lender of last resort!

Our team of experts from Alice in Wongaland Bank have decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon. Some of the money left in the coffers will be used to reduce the national debt to 10/6 by the year 21799.

Any remaining money will be strategically placed on a horse at the 3-30 at Newbury Races, at odds of at least 12/1 in order to see us through until the next election. Income Tax will be officially replaced by people lending the government a bob or two at the end of the week when we're a bit skint.


The Monster Raving Loony party have always promised that if elected, we will issue a 99p coin to save on change. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party longstanding policy on the European Union is that we will not join the single European currency. Instead, we will invite all Europeans countries to join the pound (sh!- don’t tell Alex Salmond).

UKIP PARTY MEMBERS…to be screened for signs of intelligence before being permitted to speak to the press. Nigel Farage to have plastic surgery to remove inane grin.


The Monster Raving Loony party recommends that all banks will be charged for looking after overdrafts.

Meaningful bank reform to be attempted by renaming <Bank Holiday Mondays>, as <Tax Avoidance Mondays>.


The minimum wage to be replaced with the maximum wage. The 1% to be forced to donate any excess incomne on food banks.

The National Lottery to be rebranded as, ‘The Tax on the Stupid Working Classes’.

Boris Johnson to be delegated to match up London’s homeless with London’s empty foreign-owned luxury apartments.

George Osbourne to be sacked from running the country with a history degree and some very questionable views. 11 Downing Street to hire George out as a tour guide until he earns himself an economics degree and thus is permitted to have a qualifying opinion on how to mess up the economy.


Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population while Fox hunting will be re introduced under the ''one fox - one dog'' policy to make it a bit fairer.

To cap carbon-footprint, all homes to be fitted with teapot roofs that have solar panels fitted to filter out any unsound Tory-vote housing policies. Oxford council to apply to UNESCO for world heritage protected status for its Teapot Economy Skyline views.

All houses built on flood plains and along Botley and Abingdon roads will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water during wet spells.

All people who think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.


In order to show solidarity with all other forms of mass lunacy membership, Mad Hatter proposes that that familiar sight of weekend evengelising by religious groups on Cornmarket street be recognised officially by banning anyone from entering Cornmarket who has any common sense, in case that may offend our worshipping friends. Hatter will also invite our angelic navel gazing friends to join him for tea in the Garden of Wonderland, so they too can share in the wondrous sight of the Blessed Teapot.


Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.

Asylum seekers will be helped out by making the Asylums better signposted.

Mad Hatter recommends that in order to take pressure off our schools, hospitals and jobs, everyone in Oxford, is required to marry a foreigner by the end of the year.


The official Monster Raving Loony policy for defence is…well, we ‘re sitting on it.

All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them. St Johns college has offered to accept them as a decoration tribute piece in their newly renovated garden called, ‘B-liar Beware Blair’.

The Monster Raving Loony party recommends that any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country by themselves.


Anyone not wearing a silly hat on May 7th will be required to purchase one. Hatter believes that this will permit all hatters to keep their heads dry for a rainy day.


Anyone named, ‘Alice’, it’s presumed by Mad Hatter that you’ll be good enough to lend me your vote. If you do decide to vote for me, I will be having a tea party and yes, you’re on the invitation-list. Anyone else who’d like to attend better be able to prove that they’re either absolutely mad or able to name at least one other voter whom they believe may just be mad enough to vote for me!

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